My first Brainz Magazine feature ~ and why our relationship with money can tell us much more than what's in our bank account.
What if money isn't simply something you manage?
What if some of the feelings that arise around earning, spending, saving, giving and receiving have a history?
For many of us, money comes with a story long before we have our own income.
We watch.
We listen.
We notice what creates tension.
We learn what we're allowed to ask for, what it means to have enough, who makes the financial decisions and whether money is something that can be discussed openly.
Those early experiences don't determine our financial future.
But they can influence the relationship we develop with money.
That's the subject of my first article for Brainz Magazine, Why Money Is the Silent Language of Family Trauma.
Having this piece published internationally felt meaningful because it takes a conversation I care deeply about ~ the intersection of money, relationships, safety and belonging ~ into a wider space.
And it's a conversation I think we need to have with considerably more nuance.
Money Is Practical ~ and It Can Be Emotional
Money matters in very real ways.
It pays for housing, food, healthcare, education, transport and the things that make daily life possible.
Financial stress may arise because there simply isn't enough money coming in.
Cost-of-living pressures, insecure employment, debt, caring responsibilities, illness, relationship breakdown and structural inequality cannot be explained away as mindset or trauma.
But practical circumstances aren't always the entire story either.
Two people can face similar financial decisions and experience them very differently.
One may calmly negotiate a fee while another feels their chest tighten.
One may enjoy receiving a pay rise while another immediately feels guilty.
One person checks their bank account regularly; another avoids opening the app even when they know they need to.
That's where I become curious.
Not:
What's wrong with you around money?
But:
What has money come to mean to you?
A gentle reflection
Finish this sentence without overthinking it:
When I have enough money, I...
Notice what comes next.
Relief? Fear? Freedom? Responsibility? Guilt? Disbelief?
There's no correct response.
The Money Lessons Nobody Sat Down and Taught Us
Some of our strongest money lessons aren't taught explicitly.
Perhaps nobody in your family ever said:
Money isn't safe.
But you watched adults become frightened whenever a bill arrived.
Nobody said:
You shouldn't have more than us.
But success brought comments about getting “too big for your boots”.
Nobody told you:
Your worth depends on how useful you are.
But perhaps approval came most reliably when you worked hard, helped others and needed very little yourself.
Research in financial psychology gives us one useful way of understanding this through the concept of money scripts ~ beliefs about money that can develop in childhood and through family and cultural experiences, sometimes operating largely outside conscious awareness.
These beliefs have been associated with different financial behaviours.
I find that framework useful because it gives us another option besides labelling ourselves irresponsible, bad with money or self-sabotaging.
We can become curious about what we've learned.
A gentle reflection
Think about the home you grew up in.
What did you learn about money without anyone directly teaching you?
Family Patterns Matter ~ Without Becoming Destiny
This is also where I now use more care with the language of intergenerational trauma.
Families transmit stories, beliefs, behaviours, expectations and ways of relating.
We may learn who is expected to provide.
Who is allowed to receive.
Whether success is celebrated or mistrusted.
Whether money means independence, conflict, love, control, generosity, security or status.
Broader experiences matter too.
Migration, poverty, economic instability, family separation, discrimination, gender expectations and cultural values can all influence the stories surrounding money.
But I don't assume every difficult financial pattern is inherited trauma.
Nor do I assume a person's behaviour can be traced neatly to something that happened generations ago.
Our lives are rarely that simple.
Family history is context, not destiny.
Understanding it can help us recognise why a behaviour once made sense — while still allowing us to choose differently now.
Sometimes Money Is a Relationship in Disguise
This has become one of the central themes of my work.
What appears to be a money problem can sometimes contain a relational problem.
Difficulty charging may involve fear of disappointing people.
Overgiving may be connected with belonging.
Financial avoidance may carry shame.
Constant saving may provide a sense of security.
Receiving may bring an unexpected feeling of indebtedness.
Spending on everyone except yourself may reflect what you've learned about whose needs should come first.
This is why I sometimes describe certain money difficulties as:
relational patterns wearing a money costume.
It doesn't mean the practical finances don't matter.
They do.
Sometimes the appropriate support is a financial counsellor, accountant, financial adviser or lawyer rather than — or alongside — therapy.
But where money repeatedly intersects with shame, fear, relationships, boundaries or past experiences, therapeutic exploration may offer another piece of the puzzle.
Your Body May Be Part of the Conversation
My original writing about money trauma often used phrases such as “the body remembers.”
Today, I prefer to be more specific.
Stress has physical as well as psychological dimensions.
You might notice tension when opening a bill.
Your thoughts may become scattered during a financial conversation.
You might feel an urge to avoid, fix, control, appease or act quickly when money feels uncertain.
Those responses don't automatically mean you have trauma.
And a bodily sensation isn't proof of a hidden memory.
But it can provide useful information about what you're experiencing in the present.
Rather than trying to interpret every sensation, I often begin somewhere simpler:
What happens for you when money enters the conversation?
That question creates curiosity rather than diagnosis.
Understanding Before Fixing
This is one of the biggest shifts in how I think about money and therapeutic work.
When we're struggling financially or emotionally, there's enormous pressure to fix ourselves.
Budget better.
Spend less.
Earn more.
Think positively.
Manifest abundance.
Work harder.
Stop worrying.
Sometimes practical behaviour change is absolutely necessary.
But forcing ourselves into a new behaviour without understanding what keeps pulling us back towards the old one can become another cycle of effort and shame.
Therapy offers a different question:
What makes this pattern understandable?
Not acceptable in every circumstance.
Not permanent.
Understandable.
From there, we can explore what might support greater choice.
For me, this connects with what I now describe as Enoughness.
Safe Enough With Money:
I don't have to solve this while I'm activated.
Good Enough With Money:
Being responsible is not the same as being responsible for everything.
Worthy Enough With Money:
Receiving and boundaries do not need to be earned.
This isn't about becoming perfectly calm around money.
It's about developing enough awareness and steadiness to respond with more choice.
A Conversation I'm Continuing
My Brainz Magazine article was an early expression of a conversation that has continued to evolve in my work.
Money can intersect with:
Safety.
Belonging.
Responsibility.
Grief.
Power.
Caregiving.
Identity.
Receiving.
Self-worth.
And sometimes trauma.
The more I explore these intersections, the less interested I am in telling someone what their money behaviour “means”.
I'm much more interested in helping them become curious about their own experience.
Because the goal isn't to uncover one hidden explanation for everything.
It's to understand enough of the story that you have more freedom in what you write next.
Read My Brainz Magazine Feature
If you'd like to explore the original article that inspired this post, you can read:
Why Money Is the Silent Language of Family Trauma
You may also like my more recent articles:
12 Signs Money Stress Lives in the Body
Why Does Money Stress Feel Physical?
How Trauma Affects Money in Everyday Life
Healing the Root of Money Trauma
If you're beginning to recognise that money carries more emotional weight than the numbers alone explain, my reflective guide Money, Safety & the Body: The Missing Link offers a gentle place to explore those connections.
Explore Money, Safety & the Body: The Missing Link
If you'd like to explore these patterns therapeutically, I'm Sonia Skewes, an Accredited Social Worker (AASW) offering trauma-informed, integrative therapy online across Australia and in person in Penguin, Tasmania.
This article provides general educational information and reflection. It isn't individual mental health, medical, legal or financial advice.
References
Klontz, B. T., & Britt, S. L. (2012). How Clients' Money Scripts Predict Their Financial Behaviors. Journal of Financial Planning, 25(11), 33–43.
Skewes, S. (2025). Why Money Is the Silent Language of Family Trauma. Brainz Magazine.